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The Development of Porkular Physics: A Brief History of Swine

On-Target Services is on the cutting edge of Porkular research, dedicated to the science of splitting the Pig Atom for peaceful purposes.

As we all know, pig (Pg) is one of the primal elements on the periodic table, but it has a unique atomic structure.  Where common elements such as carbon (C) or oxygen (O) are composed of  a nucleus of protons and neutrons surrounded by a shell of electrons, Pg is composed of a ribon/boneon nucleus surrounded by a shell of flying pigons.  The secret to releasing the porkular energy contained in this atom is through the controlled application of heat to break the weak porkular forces binding the pigons to the nucleus while carefully weakening the strong porkular forces between the ribon and boneon without actually initiating uncontrolled porkular fission.

Done properly, the pigons will be released from the Pg atom to fly out the smokestack of the pit’s reactor vessel while the ribon and boneon remain in place on the grill face.  The problem was balance; too little heat and the pigons remain in their orbit, too much and uncontrolled porkular fission would result—with the Pg nucleus fusing into a blackened, inedible lump amid a vast release of rendergen radiation.  Indeed, the many failed attempts to reach and hold the critical temperature at which the pigons release gave rise to the phrase “That’ll happen when pigons fly” as an derisive indication that a project was futile.

"My brain is bigger than yours, so I get first dibs on the ribs"The potential of porkular energy was first postulated by the famous German porkular physicist Albert Schweinstein in his Theory of Special Relativity in 1903: B=(M+P(O²))C².  Put in layman’s terms, the theory states that properly cooked barbecue (B) will disappear at the speed of light squared (C²) if placed before your Ma and Pa (M and P) and their offspring and friends (O²).  He was of course working off of the postulates of Pierre and Marie Curied-Ham and their investigations of low-energy Porkular reactions found in the common smokehouse.  The problem was, how to initiate a higher energy reaction while remaining below the threshold of porkular fission?

Test Subject #4, "Mr Mittens," just before the moment of impact.The research of New Zealander Ernest Hereford provided a more precise understanding of Pg atomic structure, paving the way for the world’s first self-sustaining tailgate party, thrown by Pigrico Fermi and Otto Hahm at the November 21, 1942 Alabama Polytechnic Institute versus the University of Georgia game in Columbus, Georgia.  They were able to keep a brick-pile pit at a stable 240 degrees Fahrenheit for over 12 hours, achieving a clean boneon-ribon separation just before API’s 27 – 13 victory over Georgia.  They were about to test Schrodinger’s Cat Theory (“A cat will usually blink when struck with a hammer”) when Werner Heisenberg showed up with four cases of cold beer.  After that, things got uncertain.

Fission remained the cutting edge of porkular technology through the remainder of the 1940s, but in the heat of the Cold War new challenges arose as the Soviets developed their own barbecue technologies and threw their first self-sustaining tailgate event in 1949 (Minsk United versus the Red Army All-Stars during the Hammer and Sickle Classic National Soccer Tournament).  Desperate to regain porkular superiority, American scientists began researching the high-energy world of porkular fusion.

The results were disastrous, as this photograph of the Beach Blanket Bingo Barbecue Bash Incident of 1947 on Bikini Atoll in the South Pacific amply illustrates.  The blast from the porkular fusion reaction was so intense it blew half the bathing suits off of all the female guests.  While this did create a new fashion sensation in the swimsuit industry, controlled porkular fusion remains an unrealized dream.

As it turns out, Cold War fears were largely unfounded, as Soviet porkular technology utilized a borscht-based sauce that even the most fanatical Party member could not truly stomach, much less enjoy.  In a country where proletarians would wait patiently in line to buy a half-kilo of lard and be glad to get it, Soviet barbecue found few takers.  Efforts to refine the sauce base by adding concrete and oatmeal proved futile, as did efforts to build larger and even more impressive reactor pits.  The inability to compete with the West led to cutting corners when it came to safety and quality control; In 1986 the ribs at the Communist Party party celebrating sixty-nine years of central planning in the central Ukraine proved so inedible that the entire Chernobyl State Picnic Pavillion was simply buried under sixteen meters of reinforced concrete and abandoned.  This failure of porkular technology was one of the contributing factors of the fall of the Soviet Union at the end of the twentieth century.

Today, On-Target Services continues the proud tradition of porkular research, seeking new means to achieve porkular fusion safely, cleanly, and for the benefit of all mankind.  While this technology remains beyond our grasp, On-Target will continue to provide the tried-and true porkular fission-based barbecue technologies, insuring America's continuing leadership in World porkular science.

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